Forever
by TheXGrayXLady
Summary: The past left its marks on both of them. There was no use in denying it and pretending as though they could just pick up where they left off any longer.


**Notes:** Because my favorite thing about this couple really is the communication and I don't want them to lose that and because a year apart does change things in a relationship.

_Forever_

As she sat by the firelight to get a better look at her forearm, Alice couldn't help but stare at Cyrus instead. He'd quarreled with the Queen earlier over who would take watch. It wasn't much of a quarrel, despite saying that she wanted to do her part, she'd backed down easily. Even though he'd taken watch the night before, he'd insisted on doing it again. He'd argued against staying in the cave for the night as well.

She realized now she should have seen it coming. When Will pointed out the cave as potential shelter, she'd almost missed the sudden tension in the former genie's body and the return of what she thought was a forgotten behavior. He'd counted the ways out of the cave, found feeling trapped outweighed shelter from the elements. She hadn't seen him do that in ages and recognizing that action made her realize just how long a year was.

Alice looked away from him and unwrapped the bandages. Unlike the last time she said it was just a scratch, these really were just scratches. They were raw and ugly now, but given a few days and a fresh binding they would be fine. Besides, it wasn't as if the Drop Bear had damaged her sword arm, and even if it had, that wasn't what was worrying her now.

Their trip through the forest and subsequent attack didn't bother her in that they happened as these things tended to happen in Wonderland, but rather in how they happened. Both Will and the Queen were about as useful as she'd expected them to be. Even she had to admit that the Queen's magic was helpful, but it appeared that focusing on it when confronted with a horde of Drop Bears was not easy. And Will, bless his heart, or maybe not that exact turn of phrase but something with similar sentiment, was trying, but head butting Drop Bears like one would a common mugger, while cursing Australia for what she could see was no point or purpose, was not generally the best course of action. Still, even that didn't bother her.

Whenever she and Cyrus fought alongside each other in the past, it was as if they were dancing, each knew the others step before they would make it. Today, she'd moved, thinking he'd be there to cover her, and put herself directly in the path of one of the creature's teeth. A year ago, that maneuver would have worked. Now, it was as though there was a disconnect between them.

Glancing at him again, the distance between them felt further than a few yards. Alice knew she still loved him with all her heart, but she was starting to realize that maybe her expectations for reuniting with Cyrus were perhaps a bit unrealistic. She'd wanted to just pick up where they left off, go back to the life they were planning to live together, but that wasn't possible. To do that, they would have to change the past, undo a year for her and she still didn't know how long it had been for Cyrus, and that was impossible.

Even if it wasn't, she didn't think she would want to. Or at least, she told herself she wouldn't want to. It was easier to think that she wouldn't go so far as to try to change the fabric of reality to get what she wanted. Still, no matter whether or not she wanted to change the past, their time apart had happened and there was no use denying that.

The way Cyrus changed the subject whenever she brought up the time they spent apart made her heart skip, and not in the way it normally did around Cyrus. There were burn scars on his back, shaped like bars. He flinched when she brushed up against him in a thicket a while back, his breath catching in pain. When she tried to apologize, he'd brushed it off, said it was nothing when it obviously wasn't nothing and was obviously painful.

She'd almost asked Anastasia what she and Jafar had done to him, but the Queen would be more evasive than he could ever be and would take offense to the notion that she had done those things. Even if Alice was reluctant to do so, she had to give Anastasia credit, she was showing willingness to change, but accepting responsibility for things when she could find somebody else to blame was an issue. Besides, it was Cyrus' story to tell and while he preferred not to talk about the past, she didn't even know he had brothers until the other day, he couldn't deny the marks it left on him.

It left marks on her too, ones that she was just as reluctant to share. Bethlam was something she was still loath to talk about, to even think about. She would rather he not know about the doctors poking around in her head, calling her delusional until she half believed it herself. She didn't want to tell him about the nights she woke up sobbing, his name leaving a bittersweet taste on her lips. She couldn't tell him about the procedure she barely escaped from, that she agreed to. If she did that, she would have to acknowledge what she was willing to do to get out. She would have to tell him about how badly she wanted to forget him.

Alice had signed the waver for the procedure of her own accord, the doctors had not forced her hand, she'd wanted to do it. She'd wanted to let them take out a piece of her brain in order to forget him. If she told him about that, he would know she'd broken her promise while he stayed true to her. She'd been willing to throw everything away for freedom, yet he would give his up to keep her safe.

It would come out eventually. She'd once counted on the fact that nobody could keep a secret in Wonderland. Something would bring it up, sooner or later. She suspected Will's big mouth was the most likely culprit. Will knew exactly what she was about to do when he and the Rabbit came for her. She couldn't take the chance that he would accidentally tell Cyrus something, thinking he already knew or just without thinking. Even if it wasn't Will, something would bring her past to light and Alice would rather it be herself rather than some unpleasant Wonderland phenomena.

The look on his face when she practically leapt out of an unexpected embrace earlier was enough to convince her of that. She'd done just as he did, brushed it off, said that it was nothing, that he just startled her. She didn't say that for a moment, she felt as though she was back in a straitjacket.

There was no amount of wishing that could bring them back to the people they were a year ago. She'd internalized defensive behaviors that had kept her safe in the asylum, was quicker to lash out at people, and perhaps a little desperate to feel truly alive again. He was more cautious than ever, there was something fearful about him now, and perhaps most importantly, he had to adapt to being human. They were now, for all intents and purposes, right back where they started. Strangers in this most strange land.

She rubbed at her engagement ring, the cool metal a reminder of the bond they shared. She loved Cyrus, but what needed to happen went beyond simple catching up, she was playing pretend if she tried to act otherwise. Alice had done many things in her life, but as she insisted to the doctors for months, playing pretend was not one of them. She couldn't bear to lose Cyrus again and if things remained unsaid between them, she would.

Even if she said all she needed to, she might still lose him, but it would be better for it to come from her than from someone else. If it ended here and now, she would have to accept it. She'd seen the consequences of destructive love, felt them first hand, and wanted nothing to do with that. She hoped he would understand why she'd done what she'd done, what it was like to be constantly undermined, doubted, and gas lit. She hoped she could understand whatever had been done to him. Yet if she truly wanted to be with Cyrus, this would have to happen because there was nothing more important to a relationship than trust.

Slowly, she rewrapped her arm, trying to keep busy a little while longer, trying to ignore how her heart sank when she thought of how easy being with him used to be. Yet she couldn't put this off forever. So, mustering up what courage she had, she got up and walked over to him. It was incredible really, she could face down a horde of Drop Bears like it was nothing, but the idea of talking about her past left her afraid.

"How's your arm doing?" he asked, upon noticing her beside him.

"It's fine." For the first time, she was aware of how tired her voice sounded.

"You don't sound fine." Evidently, he noticed too.

"Actually no," she said, trying not to think too much about what she was going to say next, if she thought about it, she'd back out. "We need to talk."

In the time it took for him to respond, she was transported back to her younger years, walking through the woods with the White Rabbit, pestering him with questions about traveling through time and space. She'd once asked him, "_How long is forever?"_ Now, she could think of nothing other than his answer. "_Sometimes, only a second."_


End file.
